For Love or Money

This morning, I woke up thinking about Robert the Bruce, the King of Scotland and the story of the spider before he freed Scotland from English rule.  If you want to know what my all-time favourite movie is, it would be Braveheart.   It’s the Scottish in me.

Something within me wanted to know how long Robert the Bruce was in hiding for before he tried to fight again.  I wanted to know more about the significance of this spider.   I remember my dad telling me this story many years ago, but something called to dig a little deeper.

As he sat in a cave, he watched this tiny spider spinning its web.   He watched the spider try and fail, but after every failed attempt the spider got back up again and eventually succeeded.  This gave Robert the Bruce the hope, strength, and the power of belief to keep going and to keep fighting.  After he saw the spider "win" he came out of hiding and went to battle and won.

This got me into a spider web of thinking about my own life.  It made me think about how many times I quit or just didn't show up. 

I thought about when I was a teenager working in a dirty greenhouse and just didn’t show up for work.  The boss called me and I lied.  I told him I hurt my back, meanwhile I just hated what I was doing.

I thought about the time I worked at a graphic design studio and just up and quit after an office shut down for summer break.  I had premeditated this departure, cleaned out my desk and just never planned on returning. 

I thought about the time I worked at a call centre for a phone company and how much I hated bugging people, so I quit that too.

I thought about the time I tried selling candles or purses, and hated the thought of home parties, so I quit that too.

I thought about my many roles in a University where I bounced around from job to job and eventually took 2 stress leaves.

I thought about how I walked away from a marriage and my home with a 4 month old baby and never cared to go after my fair share of half.  

I thought about being fired from a job I absolutely loved.

I thought about the friends and acquaintances I just cut out of my life or the people I unfriend or blocked on Facebook because they didn't love or support me.

I thought about how I quit my networking marketing business.

I thought about how I got rid of everything I owned and moved across the country without having a plan in place.

I thought about the time I decided to go all in on myself instead and how terrifying it all was.

Every time I left or quit I didn’t have anything to fall back on.  I didn’t have a plan B.  I just burned bridges and trusted.

I don’t know if this was self-worth or complete stupidity.  I didn’t know if it was because I knew deep down I deserved better or if I was a woman who needed to grow up. 

The common denominator was I always quit and left anything or anyone I no longer loved or enjoyed and I always followed my own heart.

Every time I left, I was directed to something bigger and better, so as I sit here today I’m not sure.  All I know is that I have been rewarded greatly for working hard on myself, living my life in the service of love, following my heart, and doing what was right and sometimes terrifying.  One thing I know is that I have faith, trust, self-respect, clarity, vision, a lot of love, my health, and I am certain of where I am headed in life.

Maybe people stay in things or with people out of fear or comfort.  Maybe it’s just easier to stay in something and it takes more bravery and courage to trust in yourself.  Maybe people don’t truly believe in something bigger or that they are worth fighting for.

Either way I had to sit with myself to really figure out was I living in fear or was I living my truth? 

Why was it that I kept leaving, quitting, or running? 

Why was this a pattern in my own life? 

Was it some deep rooted trauma that I had yet to process from my past or was it because I was doing the right thing? 

Was this normal or was I just uncommon and not normal?

I can tell you that each step I took lead me to this moment in time, and right now I absolutely love my life.  I have an incredible marriage and family.  I have a business that I absolutely love and that is growing every single day.  I have 4 published books that have helped countless people around the world become happier and healthier.  I have time freedom to live life on my own terms.  I attract excellent people into my life.  I love what I do and I know who I am.  I help people every day.  I live in a beautiful home, in the most beautiful location.  I have no debt.  I have my health, I have a solid mindset, a strong body.  I listen to my heart and take inspired action when called to do so.

Looking back to my past and my frame of mind I would sit there and focus on money and the lack of it or everything that was wrong with me or my life.  I would keep repeating the same thoughts over and over again, so it's no wonder I would keep experiencing the same things over and over again and continue to self-sabotage myself.

I would affirm things like I am overworked and underpaid.  I would think about all the things I couldn’t afford or compare myself and my life to others.  I was jealous and envious of others often.  I would wait for Friday or wait for the pay grid to move.  I would complain about my boss.  I felt not good enough because I didn't have a degree.  I was constantly looking at how much things cost and was completely miserable and unfulfilled in my life, and it showed.  I was over extending myself and trying to fix or change people at the expense of my own life and my own needs.  I believed I was fat and not good enough and was rejecting myself anytime I looked in the mirror.

But there was also that deeper part of me that knew I was great, that my life had a purpose, and that I deserved better and that deeper part of me kept me going even in the dark, painful, and lonely seasons. 

There was that part of me that knew I was meant for more and that kept me trying despite the setbacks, detours, heartaches, rejections, pain, suffering, moments of doubt, and the massive failures.

There was a part of me that knew it was my responsibility to be my own hero and that no one was coming to save me or make my life better and that I had to take full ownership over what I was in fact creating for my life.

Some might look at me as if I’m crazy, stupid, or ungrateful. 

I've been called crazy, stupid, and ungrateful from people who were supposed to love and support me and I am okay with that.  My success in life does not depend on what other people think of me, but rather it only depends on what I think of myself, my own divine truth, what I believe, and my own relationship with my highest self (or God) as some people call it.

Today look myself in the mirror and I am damn proud of the woman I see staring back at me.  I am a really good person.  I am healthy, strong, confident, bold, courageous, honest, trustworthy, strong, relentless, and full of faith.  I am beautiful and authentic.  I am patient, calm, present, and relaxed.  I am driven, flexible, and focused.

I have an incredible heart.  I have God on my side who is always with me and for me. 

I am positive, loved, cherished, supported, protected, and safe. I am seen, celebrated, and supported.  I am worthy, chosen and qualified to do what only I came here to do in this world. I am healed, whole, and fulfilled.  I am alive, wide awake, and full of life!  I am abundant, independent, one-of-a kind, and grateful for this life of mine.

I am an excellent wife and mother. 

I am smart, dedicated, kind, loving, generous, successful, blessed, passionate, and creative.  I have come a long freaking way from the people pleasing, insecure shell of the woman I was in my past and it has taken tremendous energy and consistent effort to actually believe in myself and my own inherent worth, value, and greatness.

It wasn’t until I changed my thinking and what I was focusing on that my life began to change. 

It wasn’t until I started meditating that my life began to make sense and I was able to shine light onto the dark areas or my life and break the chains of the past. 

It wasn't until I sat with myself and really took a good hard look at my life so I could connect the dots from the past and create a new path.

It wasn’t until I started affirming the truth and being grateful for all the good in my life that I somehow conquered my greatest opponent, which was myself, my past, my inner demons, my fears, my insecurities, and my own unhealthy mindset.  It wasn't until I found true love that my life became easy and peaceful.

It wasn’t until I started loving, accepting, praising, and respecting myself that things began to shift.

It wasn’t until I started listening to my own heart and following it that it made all the difference. 

Your mind will play tricks on you and speak lies.  It will try to convince you out of what you truly want and tell you that you can’t, or you’re stupid, ugly, fat, dumb, unqualified, unworthy, or that no one loves you, or that you can’t afford it.  Your heart however knows the truth and doesn’t believe in lies. 

So today, do whatever you are doing out of love and that deeper part of yourself that knows the truth. 

Do it all for complete love for yourself first and foremost, for I believe that is the ticket to true freedom.  

You keep trying!

Hold your position, stand your ground, know what you want, get back up after every time you fail, rest when you need to, do work that you love, and keep going despite the odds or what you see right now.  Listen through the fear, take some risks, work hard on yourself, enjoy the journey, don’t worry about money, and trust that when the timing is right you always get your victory and find your true love.

Xo

Lindsay

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