The Light of My Life

Every day that I wake up it’s like a power struggle between who I was in my past and who I am consciously choosing to be today.  Every day I rise and I choose to be happy anyway.  It's a conscious choice I make to do everything in my power to raise my own internal energy level and vibration so I can easily attract and manifest what my heart truly longs for with fun, ease, and no pain, sacrifice, and struggle on my part.

The old me would have been rushed, tired, stressed, bitchy, and feeling guilty for being so far behind according to the clock or behind on all the things she had to do.  She never could rest, and if she did, she felt either guilty or lazy for there was just too much to do.  She would have been "too nice" and "too kind" to walk away from toxic and negative people, and she ignored those first red flags.  She gave her time away to anyone who asked and had no boundaries.  She was too busy trying to help others, but only at the sacrifice of what her heart was truly whispering to her.  Which was to stop.  This negative thinking and weakened energy allowed her to attract more of what she did not want into her life... Which was a lot of drama, a lot of painful situations, a lot of rejection, a lot of unnecessary expenses, and a lot of anxious, unsupportive, and negative fucking idiots. (Or should I say...  Wounded little children, walking around in adult bodies, causing unnecessary pain and suffering for others simply because they're disconnected from love and totally unconscious and aware of their own God given potential that resides within).

Go figure right?.... A like always attracts an equal like.

That woman was clearly was in a lot of pain...  But she wasn't always like that.

I can look back and see this was a little wounded part of me that was running the show.  A girl who was tired of coming in last place and wanting so desperately to win, and be seen, loved, and chosen.  A girl that was hurt, insecure, and wounded.  A girl that thought it was all her fault.  A girl that was afraid to speak up and be seen for her true greatness.  A girl that hated and rejected herself and thought that she was stupid.  A little part of me that was working so hard to change her life for the better with hard work alone, and for that I honour her for trying so damn hard, but neglecting herself in the process.

 
The new me really doesn’t care about winning or coming in first place for she's done the hard and gruelling work of sitting with herself to heal.  She knows she's a winner and she knows she's number one in her own life.  She really doesn't care who sees her or chooses her, for she now sees herself, loves herself, and chooses herself.   She's not interested in competing with anyone for she knows that what is for her, is for her only and there is no competition.  There is only what she is choosing to create.  She also knows that it's not her job to change, fix people, clean up other peoples messes, or save the world, and that everyone has their own saviour within.  She loves herself, trusts herself and will walk away from anything or anyone who's not right for her or aligned with that's she's about.  According to societies standards and the hustle culture found on social media these days, she would be classified as lazy, selfish, ungrateful, rude, bitchy, ignorant, and unproductive.... Maybe even a little woo-woo or crazy.   She's none of those things..

But she doesn't care what others think of her.  She's very successful.  In fact, she's the most successful she's ever been in her entire life, and she's really happy.  Like really happy... and that happiness doesn't come from anything or anyone outside of herself.

I can see so clearly now that my Life Worth Living Challenge, and the books I wrote…Rise and Shine,  Wake Up and Live, Get Up Girl and High Level Leadership have absolutely nothing to with productivity, being a badass boss, a 5am morning routine, or what time you get up in the morning to start your day...  But everything to do with the hard work it takes to change your life.  It's about healing, discovering your truth, the returning back to love, raising your own level of consciousness, raising your standards, raising your own vibration, attracting what you want and what aligns, discovering your own light, and finding out who you truly are at your core.

It's about living YOUR life happy, healthy, and free, and not living someone else's or repeating history.

Many mornings I go back and forth to the woman I was in the past and every day I have a little conversation with that little girl inside of me who needs my attention.  She’s tired.  She wants rest, and she doesn’t want me to get up and rush straight off to work.  She wants to relax, be lazy, have fun, and take her time.  She wants to spend her time doing things that she loves to do, which for the most part has been neglected and abandoned for many years. 

I can still see her getting up before the rest of the house awakens, enjoying the peace and quiet, and making her own breakfast.  That little part of me still exists to this day, although there is also a part of me that loves breakfast in bed and a warm cup of tea too.  They can co-exist.

So, I sometimes go back and forth....   Even though I know the direction is always onwards and upwards.  At least now I know if I'm living in the past, or if I'm being present in the here and right now.

So I go back to that wounded woman and wounded child who was always striving to be seen who based her self-worth on always doing something, getting something, earning something or achieving something.  Always trying to get somewhere different than where she is in the present moment.  I have come to understand that this was hell.  This is my fractured, dying ego and its only job was to rob me of the perfect peace and power that I can only find in the present moment.

During the Christmas holidays my little girl has been wanting a sleepover with me in my bed.  Normally this would have been a big no no for my other two kids in the past because I was so committed to my own schedule and the things I needed to get done.  But that woman is no longer here and she left my home a long time ago.   For many years I tried everything in my power to get back to her, but why would I?  She wasn't very much fun to be around.

So...

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Recommended Life Transformation Programs:

Life Worth Living Challenge - Live Your Life Happy, Healthy and Free.

Additional Reads:

Wake Up and Live - 101 Days of Deep Inner Work to Transform Your Life

Rise and Shine - 101 Days to a Happier You

Taking Your Personal Power Back - 101 Days of Relentless Action Forward

High Level Leadership - 101 Days of Rising Happy, Healthy, and Free to Serve a Greater Good